Random retrospective ramblings

Another old one this, written towards the end of Y13.

I find myself reflecting back on my own actions an awful lot. I also reflect back on my friends actions too much, and the actions of complete strangers. Basically i think too much at times, i overthink things until the issues are twisted so far out of proportion and often reality that they are almost unrecognisable to anyone fortunate enough not to have been part of that particular train of thought.

I'm an idiot. I find the bad side of a good thing with an ease that sadly comes from practice. I find myself analysing the expression of someone when i walked into a room, and attributing a whole range of emotions and thoughts to what was most likely an unrelated expression. I can see a simple, perfectly pleasant text and imagine a pit of hatred within it directed at me.

I have done and still do doubt almost every single friendship i have, i find reasons why they are angry at me/don't want to be my friend/see me as a chore. I have to fight the urge to press that big red 'self destruct' button all too often, and the irony of this is that it is this behavior, this moping, this melo-dramaticism, this being miserable for no good reason, that makes me a lot less fun to be around and probably makes people wish they weren't my friend/didn't have to put up with me.

The most frustrating thing for me is that despite this awareness of my flaws, and the determination to change that it leads to, i find myself falling irresistably back into bad habits.

However every so often i manage to break free of the idiocy that consumes me most of the time, and then i see the world and my life a lot clearer. I see the many reasons i have to be happy and suddenly i am lifted.

All kinds of things can provoke these realisations. It can be the lyrics of a song, the plot of a film or book, the weather, a good run or a brilliant guitar riff. But the most common cause is time spent with my friends, the people i will be eternally grateful to, for the simple fact that they still choose to spend time with me, despite the fact that i must be bordering on unbearable half the time. I'm not gonna list the various people, but i hope you know who you are, and i try my best to show you when i can.

I'm not entirely sure why i've typed this out, i don't know whether it's a confession, an apology, an explanation or just yet another random stream of thought that i wanted to let out into the world rather than keep pent up.

I don't believe for a moment that i'm unique in this, or that i have more problems than most people, but i felt like writing out some random paragraphs to express the self-reflectiveness i've been going through.